Sometimes...

I am scared to hell about what diabetes is doing to my body.

What it may have already done, and still be doing.

When limbs hurt, wounds don't heal, new bumps or bruises or scrapes or eye issues come at me, I'm afraid of what it could mean.

Once, "they" told me that complications would happen.

It scared me then, and it scares me now -- even as I put on a "whatever" attitude then and a "brave face" now.

Fuck that. Right now, I'm over that.

This is the point where I just want to crawl into a corner and cry, or yell at the wall for being there.

No matter how positive we try to be in this D-Community, it doesn't change the fact that sometimes we can't escape this fear, this negativity, this sense of dwelling on the "what ifs."

Maybe it's diabetes, maybe it's just aging.

Maybe it's a mind trick, worrying about what may not even be reality. But it doesn't matter, because that dread grips your heart and rips at you as your mind goes back to every one of those conversations about complications as a kid. All that comes flooding back.

Sometimes, you're just scared

And you just want to be "normal" without having to worry about the impacts of diabetes.


Comments

Scott K. Johnson said…
Hard not to be afraid sometimes.

Thanks for being brave enough to talk about it, Mike.
July 1, 2013 at 4:25 PM
Kerri. said…
Yes. All of this.
July 1, 2013 at 9:03 PM
Scott E said…
Yup. When I get those wounds that just don't seem to heal, or those aches that don't stop aching, or the dry eyes, or the... (it goes on...) my mind wanders all over the place.

They say, to reduce the chance of every single diabetes-relation complication known to man, that I should keep a close watch on my blood sugars. So that's what I try to do... I do my best, and whatever happens, happens. If it does, it's not for my lack of trying.
July 1, 2013 at 9:23 PM
Kelly said…
Thank you for this! Fuck that, its where I'm at, and its good to know I'm not alone. (Hugs)
July 2, 2013 at 1:56 AM
Unknown said…
Wow it must have taken a lot of courage to post this! I know we all feel that way at one point or another. Thanks again for posting
July 2, 2013 at 2:49 AM
StephenS said…
Mike, I completely understand where you're coming from. It's easy to get freaked out a little sometimes. Thanks for your insight.
July 2, 2013 at 8:31 AM
Richard's Rambling Review said…
Mike, I can understand your feelings, but it was so different for me in 1945. There was no mention of the complications by my doctors back then. Scare tactics were not used, and my diabetes did not scare me. Except for not eating sugar, and taking one shot of insulin each day, my life was very ordinary for many years. As the years passed, and much more knowledge was available, I did become worried like you are now. Warnings from doctors that I would not live past my 40's caused me to lose sleep. That is now a thing of the past, and I am healthy after 67 years of type 1. No worries, all is good!
July 2, 2013 at 9:37 AM
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