The Corner Booth

Published this post initially in March 2010 . But it's again how I am feeling, after being reminded by Kerri Sparling in a great post she wrote recently. So, here it is again. In The Waters Again Sky is dark. Clouds hover overhead, trapping the light behind a veil of darkness, a haze that stops you Source . from seeing what's ahead. A bright spot, a break in the clouds, can be seen ahead on the horizon where the sun shines through. That's the destination.  But it's not an easy path. This journey means you must ride the river. A dangerous river. Toward that place off in the distance, a spot you hope isn't a mirage as you desperately try to reach it. This river is riddled with rough patches. A rocky, wave-splashing-against-the-shore type of river. Rocks sit in strategic spots along the river, aimed solely at catching you off-guard and pitching you helplessly into the waters. The only...

Late last week, I met with Mind Ninja for our first session in almost a month. We had a lot to talk about, especially given my recent visit to California as part of the annual Medtronic Diabetes Advocates Forum. Overall, we caught up and talked about the positives and negatives of life I've been experiencing lately. We discussed the theme of one door closing and another opening. After our gap in visits, one of the things I wanted to talk about with her was my experience of just interacting with people, with friends, and how my mind and self-consciousness can sometimes get in the way of that. A story I told her was that in past years, despite my recognition that I was among great people and friends and that I was representing many others in the D-Community who couldn't attend, my head was telling me that I wasn't up to the task and should just withdraw. That led to my dwelling on this amazingly anti-social behavior, something almost foreign to me because that's NO...

For a few sessions now, Mind Ninja and I have been circling around the idea of self-worth. She's told me in our discussions that I frequently put myself down and then try to downplay that with a little slice of humor or sarcasm. This is something I’d realized myself before, but she drew a big red circle around it and made me focus on the habit. She asked why I thought this happened, what caused the habit to form and why so often I’m able to justify my behavior with the excuse that I’m either lazy, a slacker or “a passionate practitioner of the Procrastinator’s Creed.” Honestly, I recall feeling this way for most of my life. Maybe it comes from the sense that I began viewing my diabetes as a “never-ending” and “unwinnable” battle during my early teens. That I developed a “why bother” attitude about my health for a long time, and a casualty of that attitude was that it spilled into all the other aspects of my life. Or maybe there are other reasons for this entirely....

As mentioned in a previous post about Beginning Again and Moving Forward , I’ve started seeing a counselor to help combat my depression. Like a friend and fellow D-advocate recently described it, I’ve taken the step to seek this help and take the metaphoric pill to wake up and see things as they really are, not as I’ve tricked myself into thinking everything really is in a dim, depressing light. I contemplated clever names that might be appropriate to use in referring to this nice, very-insightful LCSW. Being a movie-buff, I thought about using Dr. Leo Marvin from “What About Bob?” but decided against that. After some thought about how her mind task is to help me ninja-kick my mind into a better place and sort through all the jumbled mess up there, I settled on Mind Ninja. Because, let’s face it: If I need to be a D-Ninja, then I need a Mind Ninja on this team. In a sense, it’s like I’m a ship in the darkened night-time waters trying to find my way to shore. The light-house isn’t e...

I'm not gonna lie: this one is a little deep, dark and depressing. But I have to reflect briefly before circling back to the present task of Moving Forward. A lot has been going on in my mind. I'm not healthy, not happy. Things have been tough, and I have been at the point where I want to give up. Diabetes management is the last thing on my mind, and I've been drowning in hopelessness aside from just feeling crummy. Sleepy all the time. Consumed by self-doubt. Reclusive. Emotionless, humor-deprived, non-focused, irritable, unhappy. Personally, professionally, emotionally, mentally, physically, internally and externally. For too long, I just haven't been "me." In a sense, I've been wearing a mask. Not talking or meeting or being curious as I've traditionally been. The writing hasn't seemed to flow, and what does happen to appear on my screen doesn't seem right or as interesting as I know it truly is. I'm bankrupt in the con...

I haven't been to see my Endo since March. By my hand-counting, that's close to 10 months. There's been a couple visits scheduled, one in the summer and one a few months ago. But, knowing that I've been slacking on the D-Management front and dreading the expected A1c that I know is higher than it should be, I have been putting the visit off. The last time my A1c was done, it came out at 7.9% - up slightly from the one just before Christmas 2010 when it was 7.5%. I'm sure it's higher now, probably somewhere closer to 9%. (My 30-day meter average is 220, which comes out to 9.3 and my past couple weeks are about the same - as are the past few months or so.) For inquiring minds, it's not a matter of not knowing what to do . No. I am testing about six times a day, have a pump and now a Dexcom 7+. And while I'm certainly no expert and probably know little in the grand scheme about diabetes management, I've been doing this for 27 years... so I kn...

The wheels of my mind have been spinning recently. A question has been popping up - why. Why diabetes? Why High? Why Low? Why isn't this easier? Why so overwhelming? Why so exhausted? Why this? Why that? Why everything ????? I've wracked up my brain, searched my soul trying to connect the dots between 2010 and the long-ago time these questions began. When the vicious daily D-cycle started. Suddenly, after so much analysis, it clicked recently. Those past and present dots came together and bridged a gap between 2010 and 1984, when it all began and started what is now a continuing, frustrating, and often overwhelming journey that many in the Diabetes World seem to know all too well. Simply put, it goes to this simple fact: Growing up, I wanted to be MacGyver . You know, the globe-trotting Secret Agent Man who could do anything in any situation with the simpliest of household items. Lock-picking with inside of a lightbulb. Bubble gum to patch gas tanks. Ho...