WANTED: A Working Pancreas
|Photo by Mike Hoskins
Today, something a little different... We're imagining what a job ad might look for that lazy organ in the body largely to blame for us having to live with diabetes:
The position might even be for a CGM Data Entry Manager, Artificial Pancreas Division of Associates In-Corporated (A1C).Word has it that my very own slacker organ, Peter PANcreas, put his blood into the test strip vial for consideration. And rumor was that he scored an interview!
WANTED: Self-starting leader who isn't afraid to call the shots, and can bring a creative style to a challenging body of work.
So, we reached out to the company's executives to see how that all played out.
Thanks to a source inside A1C who managed to get us "in range," we were able to snag a copy of the resume that Peter submitted for the position.
104 Blood Meter Blvd
Mike's Body, 888 Behind the Stomach
To find a management and supervisory position where I can motivate employees to learn everything about my job and then do it for me, 24/7.
Human resources professional and successful employee motivator with three decades' experience supervising diabetes self-management. Career accomplishments include the grooming of a Lilly and Joslin medal-winning insulin importer and glucose exporter. Before becoming a motivational manager, I worked for five years in the trenches behind the stomach near the liver doing all of these daily tasks myself. So, I've come up through the ranks and know this body of business like it's my own.
Work experience and motivational skills include expertise in:
- Precision carb-counting
- Food Measurements, including Advanced Eye-Balling
- D-Math Calculations, Critical Thinking and Complex Problem-Solving Skills
- First Aid, including Syringe and Cannula Manipulation (and Gusher Crisis Management)
- Medical Device Modeling
- Hypoglycemic Navigation, including Ultra-Fast Glucose Intake
- Exercise Health and Physical Education
- Diabetes Story-Telling
That's just on the endocrine side. Then there are all my exocrine functions that used to receive 110% of my attention, producing and secreting digestive enzymes that keep the body going.
Pancreas Slackers R Us, Inc.
Manager, Insulin Pumpers Division
June 2001 — Present
- Oversaw delivery of insulin via cannulus expedias
- Implemented strategic plan for blood sugar "glu-coastering" that involved coordinating random BG dips and peaks, just to keep my PWD on his toes
- Responsible for two 25-year longevity awards from Lilly Diabetes and Joslin Diabetes
- My ability to "keep things interesting" improved the industry's bottom line, not only strengthening sales with the switch to costly insulin pump supplies, but also improving A1C levels from 13% to 6.1% (!)
Pancreas Slackers R Us, Inc.
Supervisor, Multiple Shots a Day Department
March 1984 — June 2001
- Oversaw daily injections ranging from two shots to four shots a day, including peak times during the "rebellious" adolescent years and early college days.
- Led a team that evolved from a fledgling young PWD to an experienced Adult Type 1 able to manage tall tasks such as carb-counting and entry-level nursing responsibilities.
Childhood Customer Service Representative
February 1979 — March 1984
- Worked tirelessly to balance food, exercise and insulin needed during the first five years of a growing boy's life. Meticulously matched up the input and output for each component, immediately pinpointing what was necessary to ensure a strong and healthy bottom line. I was so good, I eventually decided management was where my real talent lies (the Peter Principle?).
- D-Management Motivational Institute, 1984-Present
- Autoimmune Attack Graduate Program, 1990s
- Islet University, General Studies in Slacking, 1983
- CGM Data Interpreting, BG Meter Reading, WordPress, Facebook & Twitter
- Order of the Chronic Rapid Autoimmune Program (aka "CRAP")
- Deprived Insulin Addicts Anonymous
- Society of Faulty Organs
- Beta Cell Revival Club
REFERENCES: Available upon request.
So, that's apparently how Peter PANcreas got in the door for the interview!
Curious to know how Peter handled himself, we reached out to Lenora Lioness, Corporate Affairs Manager at A1C. Apparently, he totally bombed. Or, in the words of The Lioness herself:
"Your pancreas 'lost it' at the question: 'Why are you even here in the first place?' Not to mention the question, 'Why would anyone want to hire you for any job in any field, when you're obviously such a slacker?!'"
Skeptical that Peter PANcreas could have performed so poorly, we asked LL to provide some proof that she wasn't just trying to smear his good name without just cause.
Her response? She sent us a security tape of the interview itself, showing exactly how my pancreas fared inside the A1C corporate offices. Even being escorted out by a security dog-fficer at the end!
Hope you had some fun with this one, Broken Pancreas Friends!
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Originally created by Michael Hoskins and published at DiabetesMine in August 2013