Sometimes, diabetes interferes with life in the worst possible moments.
When we're already late to work. Trying to make an appointment. Just as we're going to bed. Intimate moments. Driving your car. Mowing the lawn. Exercise adventures that must be delayed or cancelled. Working diligently on deadline and trying to read complex documents. And so many more.
Lost Time is a common dilemma for those of us living lives with a faulty pancreas, and one of these bad timing moments materialized for me recently.
My mind just wasn't where it should have been, my temperature gauge was off, and it was quite possible that I was either Way Too High or Way Too Low to focus on what was needed.
These things happen, and in this particular moment it wasn't exactly a shocking surprise - my SWAGing for an uncalculated amount of carbs and unusual exercise in the hours before were likely culprits.
But the timing sucked.
So, I opted for a blood test and my meter laughed at me while displaying a 49 mg/dL.
Glaring at it, my mind flashed to the image of my pummeling it against the wall or onto the tiled floor. I decided against that, but this really set me off. My fists clenched. I wanted to scream, but was trying to mind my surroundings and not draw unnecessary attention to myself or situation.
Anger. Guilt. Embarrassment. Depression. Cynical dark humor, as I tried to balance it all out and see some positive that "it could have been worse." Restart of the cycle.
No bolus to cover it. Because frankly, I just didn't care.
At least twice, the words "I Hate You, Diabetes" passed through my lips in a whisper. Draining the juice boxes dry by straw, I used my clenched-fist mentality to crush them and slam them down in frustration.
Looking back on it now, maybe it all wasn't really that big of a deal. Maybe I was over-reacting. But at the time, it sucked. People not living with diabetes might not get that. It might just be an "oh well" moment, one where you have to simply move on. Yes, we do have to move on. But none of that takes away the fact that, in those moments where we need to be on the ball or at our best, we simply aren't in control. Diabetes gets in the way and takes away our normalcy, no matter how much we may plan or do what we're supposed to or stay on task 99% of the time.
So it is, another day in the life of a diabetic. Life goes on regardless, whether we move on or not. So we do our best as often as we can, knowing that even though we sometimes Lose Time because diabetes gets in the way, it won't conquer our world.
There's always the fact, too, that when the timing is crappy, at least we have some juice boxes to squeeze senselessly while devouring some chocolate cookies.